I’m sure in the coming days and weeks, we will receive many comments, questions, and things quoted about returning to the US. Returning to the States has been a tough road, but we believe it is the right and wisest decision. To get straight to the point, we returned to have more kids. Some may know of our two losses, some may not. I will not detail that because I don’t think I could make it through typing the story. That being said, we’ve been doing well, as well as expected.
It is remarkable to me how resilient my children are in the midst of this huge change. I sometimes forget that they have some big feelings about moving back, too. They do not often show up like adult emotions or conversations but blow-ups and slow burns. I often have to remind myself that they are not immune to their feelings and that how they are feeling is valid.
I do not often let on to how I am feeling. It is a fault of mine that I am all too aware of. I don’t like it and strive not to stuff things down, but usually, to keep the peace, it is easier to stuff it and ignore it. Many times I forget why I am even feeling the way that I am but I think that is largely just a stuffer response. We came back at my favorite and most hated time of year. How is that possible? I wish I knew. I both love and hate Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think I despise my birthday the most as it is the day after Christmas. Perhaps it’s the years of repressed resentment for presents wrapped in Christmas paper as no one has birthday paper in December. Or maybe it’s just me wanting to be grumpy. Who knows. What I do know is that I want to change how I feel. I wish not to touch any of it. To be numb would be sublime, but in some ways, it is wrong.
Is it better to feel or not to feel? My body tells me that it’s better to feel all the things. My brain says the opposite. Whether by nature or nurture (probably a little of both), I constantly straddle the fence between them- exhausting. I honestly thought I would handle this transition back to the States better than I am now. Outwardly, I look and seem fine, but beneath, the waters run deep, swirling in turmoil. From the deep pains of child loss to my father passing away, as well as losing our community and friends, it’s a tough pill to swallow.